Top 10 Jokes of the day

     1.   I tried pulling this bird I had an eye on with the classic line 'If I controlled the alphabet, I'd put U and I together'.

Unfortunately, she hadn't learnt the alphabet yet.

     2.   They say that everytime you masturbate god kills a kitten

Makes me feel so much better knowing that it was nothing to do with the fact that I'd pinned it down and was using its tail as an aid

     3.   I'm so proud of my daughter, she has finally got her break and got a presenting job on tv. I'm so pleased for her I've been watching since she started.

Just pissed off I have to pay £1.50 a minute to talk to her

     4.   Trying to fart when you've got the shits is very similar to trying to sneeze when you're eating coco pops

     5.   I was poking my asshole today... Thats what happens when you buy cheap supermarket toilet paper.

     6.   "I've got the Snitch!" Said Harry, "I'll hold him down and you can drill through his kneecaps"

     7.   My 12-year-old niece got brutally attacked and raped whilst she was in my care last week.

It's going to be alright though, she's a mute.

     8.   American men don't do irony,

British men don't do ironing...

     9.   I think my new neighbour might be a gay.

The welcome mat reads: "Please wipe your knees."

     10.   I'd kill to be an assassin.